the_ex_in_xp | [Subconscious Diving, the Gratuitous Sequel]

[You get an upgrade in Ramona's feelings, because even if she doesn't consciously know it, the part of her that belongs to you does, and is genuinely smiling even if she's totally flustered at the onrush of FEELINGS]

I'm pretty happy right now, dude.

[Looks like she wants to stay and talk, or go back to making out, or something but...it's only fifteen minutes, and maybe when she gets back the awkward can settle into something nice, or so she justifies it. Instead, she goes for the door, but turns back before she closes it]

And...I love you too, Roxie.

[and the door clicks shut]

[okay, is there a cigarette around here? A cigarette would be greatly appreciated before it's time to move on]

[right where you last left them

also you can swipe some of Ramona's from where she hides them under the printer paper now that she's trying to quit]

[Taking one of Ramona's then (and don't you call me cheap it's so not about that :|) and lighting it, taking the room in one last time]

[there's something colder about the room now, possibly because it's nearing sunset and the light is fading

the cigarettes seem to have a memory related buzz about them but it seems too faint for just one preoccupied smoke session. since the sweater she got you is still on, maybe you can take the pack with you?

1. Take it, might as well
2. No, smoking kills :(]

[I've already died once, don't judge me.

Sighing, slinging her normal hoodie over her shoulder and heading for that dumb closet portal thing :/]

[You can make your own jokes about this, but the portal is right there and if you go through it you see a long hallway that looks suspiciously like the one that used to be where your old art classes/studio space used to be. It has the beat up tiles and the trigger happy fire alarm system that every art student dreaded going off because watercolors + sprinkler = devastation

At the impossibly far end of it lies your old studio door covered with "Caution: Warning" yellow tape]

[... oh boy. Walking (nearly running) to her studio door]

[the first few steps are fine, but then something invisible and sharp like tripwire cuts across your shin and you can see...

The first time of Ramona reaches out to hold hands with Roxie as they walk across campus. And it feels awkward, because Roxie isn't very cuddle prone and maybe it's too much for her, maybe she likes to keep things private, but she's not really saying anything and just lets her do it. That's good, right? This is what girlfriends do.

And out of the corner of her eye she sees a guy who hit on her the first week of school at a mixer. He was kind of an ass then, but the look he gives her like "oh that's why she's not into me" makes her want to slug him. Except she can't because Roxie's holding onto her leading hand and they'd be late to class.

So she just squeezes Roxie's hand a little and hope she's not horribly fucking things up.]

[Ow. Ow on multiple levels. This is going to be a long walk, isn't it :/]

[Yeah, it's especially frustrating that you can't see where the wires are so no matter how careful you are, you'll hit one eventually.

If only you had something that could somehow make them visible :|a]

[IF ONLY

... no really she's not doing anything yet besides walking because she hasn't really pieced that part together yet. That or maybe she just hates herself. Maybe it's both!]

[another wire catches you on the shoulder, and it's Ramona loitering outside the art building with a cigarette, waiting for Roxie as two girls walk by while she overhears their conversation]

"And she keeps going on and on about the male gaze and overcoming it? But all her stuff is so phallic. She's such a lug, I swear!"

"A L.U.G.?"

"Lesbian until graduation, duh. Those girls always want to experiment a little before they settle down. They're too pussy to commit to pussy."

"Oh! One of those. I think it's terrible they do that to fellow women and string them along for their own satisfaction."

"They totally do. Luckily, nobody's taking her bait."

[and Ramona doesn't do anything except flick her ash on the ground, making sure they don't clandestinely turn and look at her while this whole thing is going on]

[Ugh, Norah DiLorenzo's continued existence continues to haunt me. STIL GOING FORWARD.]

[Hope you're going slowly because the next tripwire is right at your throat and it looks familiar, and sounds familiar, but it's not. Still, there is Roxy in all her raging bitchy glory]

"You could have thought about someone other than yourself for a change! I bet you didn't even stop to explain the breakup or try to give any sense of closure, right? Just on to the next guy, or guys in this case since I guess you were so desperate to get back to the warm embrace of heteronormativy that you needed to date two guys at once!"

"I can tell you that she didn't leave because you're a girl, Roxie. It's because you're a crazy bitch."

"Better a bitch than what you are, honey. At least people know right off the start the kind of person I am. You hide it well initially? But in the end you're just a narcissistic, vapid, cold-hearted sl --

[...well, now you know why Ramona punched you in the face that time]

Edited 2011-09-15 05:48 (UTC)

[STILL GOING]

[Grazing against a wire gets small twinges of insecurity about things that she never talked about because she didn't want to upset you or make you feel like she was insincere. Some of them you can remember because you were the one punching a guy's face in for making a snide comment or leer at Ramona. Some were fights she picked herself and glossed over details later.

The sweater seems to be blocking most of the wires it comes across, or dull them at least. And they break as soon as Roxie pushes forward, but there's a lingering sting on skin. Then you get to one that's thick and knotted enough to feel like netting]

"...I think this is the perfect place to take your mind off things."

[It's a cocky pretty boy talking, the kind you absolutely dislike with beach tanned skin and tousled blond hair and a smug grin. Somehow you know his name is Doug, and he's been on three official dates with Ramona so far to varying degrees of success. Right now, Ramona seems preoccupied and lukewarm to the whole thing.]

"...yeah, it's nice."

"Most girls would love to be walking on an island beach with a handsome guy trying to distract them from boring mainland problems."

"Look, I'm sorry, I'm just...trying to figure stuff out."

"Still upset about your ex-boyfriend, eh?"

"My ex. And I didn't say that."

"You're obviously thinking it though. But that's okay, if things go right tonight, I'll prove to you I can be more of a man than he ever was."

"...that's not really a problem for her."

"What do you mean 'her'?"

"My ex."

"You're a lesbian? And you were lying to me to lead me on!"

"I wasn't lying. I said my ex. You just filled in the gaps."

"Don't play that word game with me!!"

"I'm not! I'm not playing anything..."

"You know what? Forget this. I'm not wasting my time on you and your weird hang ups. We should just see other people."

[He walks away in a huff, which is hard to do when there's only sand for about a mile, but the flounce is there. You can tell why Gideon didn't bother with the guy. His surfboard proficiency is about as useful as Aquaman on a Justice League team.]

...huh, she thinks, so that's what it's like to be dumped.

[Somehow it's more a relief than anything else.]

[note to self: find this dude someday and break his face

just keep going, keep moving, push through this stuff because god damn it Roxie you can take this, this is what you really kind of deserve for everything you probably did so just suck it up, dammit, don't take the easy way out on this]

[it takes a few times to untangle yourself from that hot mess, so the Doug memory skips forward a few hours, where Ramona has found a public pay phone and an international card. She's mentally kicking herself for even considering this, and it's probably ass o'clock over there, but being dumped makes her curious and really fucking guilty. After two tries she gets Roxie's cell and she's thinking 'please just let it go to voice mail' or 'please let me run out of minutes now'

...so when the other line picks up she almost wants to slam the phone down. But when she hears a girl's voice, a girl that isn't Roxie, she just quietly puts her finger on the phone rest and listens as her card politely asks for more money if she wants to try calling again.

Okay. That part hurt more than being dumped.]

[... actually wincing in pain at that one, especially because she recognizes the voice and things went absolutely nowhere with that girl and she would have traded those couple of dates and everything else they entailed for that phone call or voice mail message in a heartbeat.

Of course, part of her is also debating how well that phone call would have gone and how she could have possibly ruined it and augh this sucks and it's tempting to try to puzzle-solve her way out but no. BREAK ON THROUGH (to the other side)]

[It never would have happened because even if Ramona got through she would have hung up. She knows it, it was in her head as she was calling. But she doesn't ever cut ties cleanly.

Speaking of ties, you are finally, through sheer determination, at the final door. There's caution tape on it though, almost like Ramona subconsciously worried some subspace trawling half-ninja might accidentally stumble this way here on accident.

Do you really want to go through those doors?]

[I just walked through a bunch of tripwires to get here. Totally going to go through them...

... but first maybe lighting a cigarette and looking behind her to take in what she just went through before she does.]

[The cigarette smoke sets off the sprinkler system almost immediately. When the downpour starts you can make out the reflection of all the tripwires hit and the dozens upon dozens you (luckily?) managed to avoid.

It also totally drenches you :(]

[okay the drenching is annoying. That's bullshit, I just got this hoodie and now it's wet. But this is still kind of funny and the sprinklers properly going off this time is weird and nostalgic and merits some chuckling. Getting out of the rain and into possible heartbreak!]

[It also ruined that cigarette, which brings up the memory of Ramona's first attempt at going cold turkey by soaking her pack so they were unusable. You can probably remember what an irritable bitch she was that week...month. And how trying to improve herself in this one little way set off a host of other nasty behaviors for her.

That kind of frustrated feeling follows you through the doors and into the studio. It looks like the regular gallery set up, but the pictures aren't anything you remember. In the far back, where the centerpieces are, stand a stained glass window, a humanoid statue that's completely unlighted, and a painting with a tarp over it. On one side there's a row of super abstract paintings and on the other side there's some more realistic looking ones...at least they would be if they weren't spray painted over in multicolored graffiti.

1. Go to the main exhibits in the back
2. Go to the abstracts
3. Go to the graffiti covered ones]

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