[Subconscious Diving, the Gratuitous Sequel]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[from the most dangerous question ever asked, good thing you can't see nineteen-year-old Ramona's expression looks like she just agreed to step on a landmine]

...do you mean like...as a girl to boy thing or, like, as a dating thing in general?

Comments

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[playing with your hair but breaking the kiss]

... Ramona? You okay?

[the_ex_in_xp]

Yeah, I'm fi--

[no, a louder protesting growl from her stomach]

I. Might be a little hungry.

[the_ex_in_xp]

["ONLY ATE A SLICE OF PIZZA AND SALTINE CRACKERS ALL DAY"]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[oh Ramona]

Oh. We could just... order in, or...

[the_ex_in_xp]

No, no, it's fine. I'll just run over to the Chinese place and bring some stuff back for us. It's faster that way. Seriously, their delivery guy sucks. I could do that job in my sleep.

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[smiling to herself, all bittersweet]

Yeah. I bet you'd be pretty good at that.

[the_ex_in_xp]

[giving her a quick kiss and squeezing her hand as she pulls away]

I'll be back soon, okay? We'll pick up right where we left off, I promise.

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[nodding quietly and for a moment almost feeling like she's just going to watch you go, but...]

... Ramona, wait. Let me be weird and sappy one more time, okay? I promise this is the very last one.

[the_ex_in_xp]

Hey, I like this weird and sappy thing...

[but stays, looking at her expectantly]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

Um, it's just... I mean, honestly, I know I'm difficult sometimes. Like, short-tempered and paranoid and I just... sometimes I guess I don't think I deserve to be happy or loved or whatever so I always think that our relationship was like this fluke, you know? Like, that eventually you'd come to your senses and move on and I had to do whatever I could to make sure that didn't happen... and I know a lot of this doesn't make sense and I'm sorry so I'm just going to cut myself off, but just... I love you, okay? I love you so much, and I just...

[and there's something unspoken after that last part, something that Roxie didn't really fully process until she said it herself and god damn it, world, can't I at least get a sword upgrade for this or something :/]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[You get an upgrade in Ramona's feelings, because even if she doesn't consciously know it, the part of her that belongs to you does, and is genuinely smiling even if she's totally flustered at the onrush of FEELINGS]

I'm pretty happy right now, dude.

[Looks like she wants to stay and talk, or go back to making out, or something but...it's only fifteen minutes, and maybe when she gets back the awkward can settle into something nice, or so she justifies it. Instead, she goes for the door, but turns back before she closes it]

And...I love you too, Roxie.

[and the door clicks shut]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[okay, is there a cigarette around here? A cigarette would be greatly appreciated before it's time to move on]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[right where you last left them

also you can swipe some of Ramona's from where she hides them under the printer paper now that she's trying to quit]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[Taking one of Ramona's then (and don't you call me cheap it's so not about that :|) and lighting it, taking the room in one last time]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[there's something colder about the room now, possibly because it's nearing sunset and the light is fading

the cigarettes seem to have a memory related buzz about them but it seems too faint for just one preoccupied smoke session. since the sweater she got you is still on, maybe you can take the pack with you?

1. Take it, might as well
2. No, smoking kills :(]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[I've already died once, don't judge me.

Sighing, slinging her normal hoodie over her shoulder and heading for that dumb closet portal thing :/]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[You can make your own jokes about this, but the portal is right there and if you go through it you see a long hallway that looks suspiciously like the one that used to be where your old art classes/studio space used to be. It has the beat up tiles and the trigger happy fire alarm system that every art student dreaded going off because watercolors + sprinkler = devastation

At the impossibly far end of it lies your old studio door covered with "Caution: Warning" yellow tape]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[... oh boy. Walking (nearly running) to her studio door]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[the first few steps are fine, but then something invisible and sharp like tripwire cuts across your shin and you can see...

The first time of Ramona reaches out to hold hands with Roxie as they walk across campus. And it feels awkward, because Roxie isn't very cuddle prone and maybe it's too much for her, maybe she likes to keep things private, but she's not really saying anything and just lets her do it. That's good, right? This is what girlfriends do.

And out of the corner of her eye she sees a guy who hit on her the first week of school at a mixer. He was kind of an ass then, but the look he gives her like "oh that's why she's not into me" makes her want to slug him. Except she can't because Roxie's holding onto her leading hand and they'd be late to class.

So she just squeezes Roxie's hand a little and hope she's not horribly fucking things up.]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[Ow. Ow on multiple levels. This is going to be a long walk, isn't it :/]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[Yeah, it's especially frustrating that you can't see where the wires are so no matter how careful you are, you'll hit one eventually.

If only you had something that could somehow make them visible :|a]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[IF ONLY

... no really she's not doing anything yet besides walking because she hasn't really pieced that part together yet. That or maybe she just hates herself. Maybe it's both!]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[another wire catches you on the shoulder, and it's Ramona loitering outside the art building with a cigarette, waiting for Roxie as two girls walk by while she overhears their conversation]

"And she keeps going on and on about the male gaze and overcoming it? But all her stuff is so phallic. She's such a lug, I swear!"

"A L.U.G.?"

"Lesbian until graduation, duh. Those girls always want to experiment a little before they settle down. They're too pussy to commit to pussy."

"Oh! One of those. I think it's terrible they do that to fellow women and string them along for their own satisfaction."

"They totally do. Luckily, nobody's taking her bait."

[and Ramona doesn't do anything except flick her ash on the ground, making sure they don't clandestinely turn and look at her while this whole thing is going on]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[Ugh, Norah DiLorenzo's continued existence continues to haunt me. STIL GOING FORWARD.]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[Hope you're going slowly because the next tripwire is right at your throat and it looks familiar, and sounds familiar, but it's not. Still, there is Roxy in all her raging bitchy glory]

"You could have thought about someone other than yourself for a change! I bet you didn't even stop to explain the breakup or try to give any sense of closure, right? Just on to the next guy, or guys in this case since I guess you were so desperate to get back to the warm embrace of heteronormativy that you needed to date two guys at once!"

"I can tell you that she didn't leave because you're a girl, Roxie. It's because you're a crazy bitch."

"Better a bitch than what you are, honey. At least people know right off the start the kind of person I am. You hide it well initially? But in the end you're just a narcissistic, vapid, cold-hearted sl --

[...well, now you know why Ramona punched you in the face that time]