[Subconscious Diving, the Gratuitous Sequel]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[from the most dangerous question ever asked, good thing you can't see nineteen-year-old Ramona's expression looks like she just agreed to step on a landmine]

...do you mean like...as a girl to boy thing or, like, as a dating thing in general?

Comments

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

In general.

... and, I mean, I told you it was stupid.

[the_ex_in_xp]

[her grip around Roxie's waist tenses involuntarily but she stays in place]

No, it's just. Unexpected? Really unexpected.

And. I mean, I wouldn't have agreed to room with you again if I didn't think you were okay to live with. And the sex is great. Plus, you're not so bad at teaching me the ninja stuff, like, without kicking the crap out of me. I don't know, this isn't something I really thought about before, you know?

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[... oh, Ramona. She's not even bothered by the priorities or anything, if anything she's just smiling faintly and wryly.]

Okay. But the next question is a million times stupider and I feel like I should apologize for even asking it.

[the_ex_in_xp]

[...oh boy, kind of ironically hanging onto Roxie like that would make things better]

Okay? Uh, what's the next question?

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[sort of awkwardly mumbling/whispering her question because oh god oh god oh god am I really going to say this especially with this stupid fucking lump in my throat what the fuck]

... if I turn around right now you're, um. Going to be there, right? I just... I know the answer but I need to hear it, don't ask why.

[the_ex_in_xp]

[...laughs, because compared to what she was thinking this is so, so much easier to answer]

Roxie, you're kind of holding onto my arm. I'm not going anywhere.

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's. That's fair. Just... okay.

[shutting her eyes again and finally making herself half-turn around because you're still attached to her. And after a tense (for her )moment slooowly opening her eyes.]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[AND SUDDENLY LIKE THE REST OF ROXIE'S LIFE IT ALL GOES AWA--



--no, she's still there. Looking a little younger, with her hair only reaching the bottom of her jaw, and the really familiar expression where if she had glasses she would be looking over the rim in fond exasperation]

Hey. Can I change my answer to the first question for how you're doing and add "weird"? Because, uh, you're kind of acting that way...

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[sighing a little and giving you a quick peck on the lips and laughing awkwardly because ahahahaha oh god that. Whole thing there. THIS IS WHY HAVING FEELINGS SUCKS]

Sorry, I was just... family, you know? It tends to leave me acting weird.

[the_ex_in_xp]

[uses her free hand to push back Roxie's hair and clandestinely check to see if she got any recent head injuries]

Yeah, I can see that.

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[running her free hand through her hair also (aaaaand quickly and ninja-ly undoing her hair bands because even if clearly Ramona's not noticing all the obvious differences between college!Roxie and her present self, that still feels anachronistic)]

Anyway, I don't need to eat for a while. Grabbed a bite en route. How was your break?

[the_ex_in_xp]

[you could probably chalk that up to Ramona's mind knowing it's you no matter how you look but that almost verges on some kind of romantic sentimentalism, which you hate]

I studied Spanish. And by "studied" I might or might not mean I watched enough pro soccer to last a lifetime. But it was the only thing people would agree on, so the commons TV was basically glued to some version of ESPN. It was that and work.

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

Sounds riveting, sorry to break that party up.

... want me to put some music on? You can choose.

[the_ex_in_xp]

It was interesting! When you're surrounded by that many people freaking out, you kind of enjoy it. ...even if you don't know what the hell is going on.

[unwraps her arm so Roxie can move] Nah, you pick. You were looking at those CDs pretty intensely.

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[considering and holding up Take Offs and Landings by Rilo Kiley]

Maybe this? Unless you'd prefer Sigur Ros...

[the_ex_in_xp]

I like both of them. Seriously, you pick. I'm just glad you're here.

[and if you wanted to cheat by seeing how she feels about Rilo Kiley it's the same general positive, warm feeling ...and a slight "pfft Salute Your Shorts!" mental snerk]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

That makes two of us.

[putting it in the stereo and pressing play]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[It starts off just as music, but there's a growing itch of restlessness and physically tugs at "if you want to find somebody else that's better." And you can see it the way it looked in Ramona's shoes, with Roxie fresh from whatever fight she just had, looking insecure and angry, sometimes almost like she wants to fight her too. And Ramona holding her tongue, but the resentment growing anyway because she just wants her to understand she's what she wants. She's not going to cheat, she's not going to dump her for the next cocky pretty boy that comes her way, but maybe there's something wrong with her if Roxie just can't get that...]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[... oh god no no no this isn't fair, you don't understand, it's not you it was me, it was always me and I never wanted to fight you, not even when you were frustrating and dammit don't do this, just... if you had talked to me...]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[It's a memory, it really can't argue back. :/ But you can definitely feel that resignation and frustration tainting her decision to drop out and leave Roxie on her own because maybe it's for the best, before the music goes into a lull with:

"if you want better things, I want you to have them..."]

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[Yeah, but it's sort of like watching a horror movie where you know the result and you know everything is doomed and you're the spectator and you can't change it, but there's still that impulse to yell at the characters in the screen to just not go into the fucking creepy ominous woods and just stay alive, damn it! You're going to go on to date way worse people and I'm going to hate myself and binge eat and cut myself off from the world and if we just talked, if we could just stop being us for a while...

God. I'm not going to be able to listen to this album for a long time, huh.]

[the_ex_in_xp]

[At least you didn't ask for something like "Don't Speak" okay. Or any angry country break up songs. And maybe in retrospect picking Sigur Ros and just cuddling would have been less emotionally wringing, but "Science vs. Romance" doesn't explode with anything so maybe the rest of the album is salvageable.

Besides, there's still that presence that Ramona is still in the room and her hand is on your shoulder]

Roxie?

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

[hey, have another moment of stunned silence]

... yeah?

[the_ex_in_xp]

Are you okay? Seriously.

[lesbeserious.livejournal.com]

I... I kind of am and I'm kind of not. It's really hard to explain. I guess... can I ask you a question? It might be another weird one.